shit and failure

and you are still surprised. you try and think things through and not let yourself get carried away but then they tell you they aren't like the others that have hurt you and that they would never do that to you. they tell you that they are crazy about you, and how you are so very perfect, and you are exactly what they've been waiting for, and you you have a very hard time believing this. so you spend time with them and it appears that they aren't just saying these things -- they actually mean them. they talk about the future with you, and for once you feel a little bit of security. a little bit of stability. you can't believe this is happening to you. that someone you're interested in could actually care about you this much. they've convinced you that you have nothing to fear. they're not like the rest. you believe them.

then one day, they flip a switch and tell you that the way you now feel about them, which you have only let yourself show them because of what they've said, is too much to handle. you try to be understanding, even though you feel so extremely hurt and rejected. you try to give them space. you don't harass them with late night calls. you think of them all the time and make it apparent in an avenue or two. they more or less tell you that they really only cared for an idea of you, but they won't give you the chance to show them that you really are everything they thought you were. you pour your heart and soul into the most beautiful, thoughtful, unaccusing letter. they acknowledge it, and tell you they don't know what to say yet. they more or less disregard it.

can someone's feelings really change that fast? you don't believe they can because they call you just to hear your voice. they tell you that's why they called. they still like the way you look, and the things you say. they tell you they have urges to come see you and they don't know why. you convince yourself that it's because they aren't admitting something to themselves. you continue to be as understanding and non-confrontational as possible. you've been told you'll scare them off if you do otherwise, and at this point you love this person. you have loved them, you just did not want to say it out loud. it infuriates you that someone would say you only feel these things because of a supposed "you want what you can't have" scenario.

then they meet someone and are in a relationship with them less than a week after they first met, and you talked to them for two months, and they wouldn't commit, but said it wasn't because they didn't want to, they just didn't want to you yet. they expect that if you ever loved them, if you ever really cared, that you will be glad they are happy, even if it isn't with you. "especially if it isn't with you" which could have so many meanings. it's almost as if you did something to them. like you're the one who just stopped talking to them and made them feel forgotten, just like you said you wouldn't and that if you felt like they were going to do that, you didn't really know them at all. they said these things to you and it gave you so much hope for a resolution in both of your favor.

it's very easy to ask someone to be happy for you when you aren't the one whose heart was torn out and stomped on.

still, you love them and you don't want to feel any bitterness. you don't mean to seem so burned, but you haven't expressed anything other than understanding as of yet. you don't want to sour your heart. one day you'll meet again.

i want to believe those things are about me but how could they be

i haven't heard your voice in a week

i keep telling myself and trying to project that this will turn out how i want it to
i can't change a mind
not even my own

life is so stupid
why wouldn't i be hard on myself

THERE IS MORE TO ME THAN HEARTBREAK

the other things are just easier to internalize cos they are all my own.

 sometimes you can tell someone is purposefully trying to find reasons not to love someone because they're scared of what they feel.

 "How many times do you tell your loved one how you feel about them, yet nothing seems to move them from their position of disbelief?"



the first sentence from my horoscope today.

 are you pushing me away just to see if i come back?

 this is turning into the rantings of a mad man.

i'm not mad, though.

just thinking out loud.

 i'm not supposed to say anything. that's what i've read. that i should stay back.

give space.

space is vast.
it's cold.
vacuous.

i'm glad i have a place to freak out
and not inflict it on the world

Posted via m.livejournal.com.